Darren Be Scheming: Cover Your Assets


Did you know that most Americans don’t have the recommended $3,000 emergency savings to cover unexpected expenses?

Luckily, you all have been scheming with me for a while now, so I know you would never get caught slacking in that way. And if you are one of my t-mobile/sprint readers, I am also sure you are using the T-Mobile Money 1% interest checking account to house that $3,000 emergency savings, which would pay out $30/year or $2.50/month.

Now, if you are anything like me, you have been checking your account every month wondering how to get that legendary 4% interest. Well, ladies and gentleman, have I got a scheme for you. (For my long time subscribers, you may remember that T-mobile money supposedly offers 4% interest on your first $3,000 if you qualify). If you are a T-Mobile/Sprint customer, with $3,000 and would like that extra $7.50 per month, you have to make 10 qualifying transactions each month.

“But Darren, with inflation and ‘credit card minimums’, there is no way to make 10 transactions for less than $7.50, so that is pointless.”

Ohhh schemer of little faith, you know I’m out here scheming for the community!  Ok, so check this out.  As the Executive Director of the East River Dog Park group, I have worked with PayPal on accepting Micro Payments. Now, we can accept payment for our services of as small as 20 cents. So, feel free to search PayPal for “East River Dog Park Group” then send us 20 cent, ten times.

It’s a win-win, you pay $2, we get $1, you get $7.50 (a total profit of $5.50) for 10 minutes of your time.  (If you are reading online, this link works as well https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=3LAJAEM8UVMH6)

“Darren, what am I supposed to do with all these riches of five extra dollars each month?”

Oh my God, you’re right…you are definitely going to be a big baller and need to protect these assets. I would suggest getting security cameras for your home, specifically something with some storage to foil any would be criminals.

In fact, DC residents can get up to $500 reimbursed for having cameras installed on their property, and that amount actually covers a lot of decent security camera systems. There are very specific details about what types of cameras are acceptable, but if you go to the Office of Victim Services and Justice Grants Webpage, it will list everything that your camera needs to be eligible for a rebate. As Wu-Tang would say, “protect ya neck.”

“Darren, why we always have to go through this, you know I’m broke bruh!”

Yes, yes, of course.  There is a voucher program available for this program as well, but it is all over the place. Some poor people are eligible, but not all, some old people are eligible, but some aren’t. Super confusing, but luckily, the elders can contact the DC Office on Aging and have a second resource for camera eligibility; always use every resource available.

“Darren, that is great for protecting my house, but what about when I’m out in the world…gallivanting about?”

Hmmmm, well, if you gallivant like me, you’re probably riding your bike to your favorite watering hole (or in the case of Ward 7, Sala Thai, the only watering hole) and well, you gotta protect that bike. While DC no longer requires mandatory bicycle registration, you can still register your bike through Project 529 (project529.com). While this doesn’t really protect your bike from getting stolen, it will ensure you get your bike back if it is every actually recovered.

Also, if you are a Veteran of the Armed Forces that does not have a bike, please remember that the District will provide a free annual membership to Capitol Bike Share…so there’s that.

“Darren, ain’t nobody biking around here, what about us?”

I mean, I just helped you earn $7 a month, so, just get renters insurance and hope for the best I guess.

Stay scheming, my friends.

Note 1: Some of these schemes might feel illegal, but if followed according to the steps listed, they are not. But always consult with appropriate legal council if there is any concern. 

Note 2: Schemes are not scams. I am not trying to make money off you. In fact, I’m legit trying to save you money, maybe, if you ain’t scared. If you see me out in these streets, I will always accept an order of Crispy Chicken Basil from Thai Orchid

Darren Thompson is a lifelong border hopper of Ward 7 and PG County, MD.  His highest academic achievement to date is winning the Kimball Elementary School 1993 Spelling Bee and he’s been chasing that high ever since.  You can watch his comedic pursuits with The Cookout Collective Presents: “Enigma” and Washington Improv Theater’s “Hold Up, Book Club” on YouTube and FBLive.